They lined us up
in the boys’ locker room
at Warsaw Middle School
roundabout 1988
where no one ever
showered after gym
b/c no one wanted
to see anyone or
be seen naked
b/c no one
especially the terrified
potentially gay kids
wanted to be i.d.’d
as gay kids
they were
checking us for scoliosis
curvature of the spine
we were all in there
nobody looking
anybody else
in the eye
and Coach Wrestling Enthusiast
said “show me those
loooooooove handles”
which bothered me
for sure
I don’t know if it
bothered anyone
else
we were all trying
not to look bothered
we all wanted to be
tougher than the cheese
on the rectangular pizza slices
served on Fridays
last year I remembered
I had something like a crush
On a boy in 7th grade
who had long loose curls
and played hockey in
Fort Wayne, and sat
next to me briefly
in Science, until
he vanished
what is it
that wiped that
clean out of my memory
for 31 years
It’s hard to remember
how I recognized the crush
back then
nor to know why
that information eluded me
for decades
it just happened
and he left
and then it wasn’t there
in my head
like it never happened
a year or two earlier
I remembered
my dad brought me
maybe I was in 6th grade
to the high school play
to see if he could note
an attraction in me to
the lead actor
who played Bilbo Baggins,
Jason Zimmerman was
the boy’s name I think
who maybe later had
a career in theatre
I think?
I loved the play
it was Tolkien
seems like I’d just read
Tolkien
. . . J.R.R.
my dad asked
did you like the play
I was enthusiastic
It was great! I said
what did you think
of the lead actor
he asked
I said, he was good
he said (I can’t remember
how he worded it)
did you feel anything for him?
wha’d’you mean feel anything
I thought he did a good job
I thought he was a good actor
he looked at me for a long
few seconds
and I looked at him
and I don’t know if he’d
decided anything then
all I’d decided
was it was a damn good play
and live theatre was cool
I think he didn’t make it
super obvious, quite
didn’t ask straight out
if I was attracted to a
young man
because even then
he knew and I knew
whether we thought about it
as we walked out to the car
or not, that being gay
was something that got you
harassed in gym class
and beaten by the rough boys
at the bus stop
one of whom punched me
in the eye once
somewhere around 7th grade
but if I could have that day back
I’d break his fucking nose.
